Lana Del Rey - Born To Die (by LanaDelReyVEVO)

Song to my life <3

but before I could send it I deleted it.
Before I could utter the words,

clear my throat for what I had to say,

you let me know in little to less words you Didn’t need it.

There wasn’t space for me in your life anymore since we weren’t in the place you wanted us to be, and in order for you to move on with your life it meant you had to exclude me from it…

It’s hard to hold back resentment through a red face full of tears, and a heart that seems as if it will be impossible to mend as it continues to race….

Tossing
Turning
“I’m fine, fuck him”
Tossing turning
“Wow… I’m really gonna miss him..”
Try to sleep, wake up..
“Lol I remember when……”
Soft giggles…
Scrolling through phone pictures…
Memories of back when…
Your head in my chest as you slept, 
The way I’d hold your face in my hands to kiss you…
Hating  that all these things add to
A long list of things I must force myself to forget about you…
Never dealt with loss well, or the incredible amount of loneliness it brings about 
that creeps up on you
and suffocates your thoughts
and runs your emotions wild…

You’ll be working hard to replace me, 
to get anything about me out of your mind.
Make new memories 
with new girls 
who have new scents
that will replace the memory of mine.
Find new girls
with new feels
you’ll favor while inside…
Late night conversations, 
changed expectations, 
Lust…desire…love?
Then one day I’ll be a faint memory, 
Someone you won’t recognize even in a dream…
I never understood before why people refused to embrace relationships… refused to let them get past a certain point..
Because to lose someone who means so much to you is like loosing everything at once, 
Even the ground beneath you… 
I don’t know if that’s something I can let happen again…

I think I’ve reached my highest point

of fear

to let

anyone

in.

One day someone will change that, 
be all I’ve ever believed in, 
Make me forget true trial and error of love from way back when…
but I’m in no rush… 
so until then……

pinklotusflowers:

.

artinmyform:

I rip out pages of my dairy. I write you drunk letters about how I don’t want to see you anymore. I say that you aren’t right for me. I tell you things that will make you want to say more to me.

I keep them in the back of my dairy. I write them all when intoxicated. I write them all and mean it….

Not forever but for a while. I have detached myself away from the feeling completely. My heart softens for the day I find the man who may made by God to be my own, but until then, It’s better to keep that thing pumping inside my chest cold.

I had never had a good relationship, from lies, disrespect, and abuse that ranged from verbal to physical, I never found myself lucky in the topic of love at all. The only love I knew was real had never come from another that I had loved unless we shared the same blood. I knew the love I gave them, and the ‘love’ they gave me back was much different, I just never had the heart to find something true on my own. So after some trial and error, googly eyes and exchanged sweet nothings that went nowhere I decided to try something different. Something I had never had before… something that appeared to be good to me.  I won’t group it into the category of being good or bad because at the moment we aren’t in a good place and it’s still weird to identify with the fact that things failed, though in his eyes I almost feel like maybe he thought we were destined for it.

In every other relationship I’ve ever had, even the ones that weren’t defined, I’ve always given my all… given the best of me, so it is confusing to me how I end up getting fucked over. I let down my guard, break down my walls, and the moment I do things change… Why? Why is it that at the point I’m working to give my all, to stop making you pay for mistakes you never made, to make things better, do you decide things aren’t worth working for anymore… Now I wear the horns because I can’t deal with or handle all  that your ready for. I need space you aren’t willing to come to an agreement that I need. Now I’m the bad guy who ruined things, I’m the girl who didn’t realize your worth. Me, me , me, but what about the part you played in bringing me to this point? 

I’m all over the place I guess… but in a way I feel like a fool…

I feel like a fool to be labeled as the heart breaker  the unappreciative one, the hard to please, aggravating ex girlfriend  because I feel like I predicted it all before it happened and I could have avoided it.

What I think a lot of people don’t understand is that a person who’s greatest desire in life is to be loved and admired doesn’t care to create murky waters or ill feelings with anyone. Our greatest success in life is to find our soul mate, our God sent companions to share everything with and give the world. That’s all I want…. what I feel the most foolish for is that I didn’t pace myself a little more than waste time…. let alone that I waste time feeling sorry for myself.

You may think that I’m a bad person, that I don’t deserve someone good, you may even think worst or me, but just as you deserve the best things in life, so do I. I have never been malicious towards even those who have done me the worst in life, so who are you to judge me?

Until someone comes along who binds with my mental and can share my thought process, all while have their own outlook on life…

Until my heart skips a beat just at their sight,

Until I feel stronger and more connected to them than any physical action could ever bring us…

Until life without that person is unfathomable…

 I’ll be single

xox

Or why I fear the things I do.. desire the things I do. One of my biggest fears was always to lose the ability to feel or to love, two of some of the most important things in creation that bring about the most pain and suffering. To care about someone who doesn’t care to feel back is like a sword through the heart pulled out slow. To love someone who doesn’t love you back is like consecutive knives in the back.. one for each piece of emotion and a few extra for the tears you shed for that person.

Brutal. Honest. Brutally honest, but honest. 

I’ve always, up to this point in life, managed to find and fall for all the wrong things without even looking for them. How is that even possible? Hell if I know. Exes that once meant everything and now mean nothing with no intention to add to the friend category.

Flings that I thought were right and left.

I’m on a roll with all this honesty.

The sharing of once rich souls turned black when combined. Bad mixtures and combinations. My intentions never bad…always with the intent to spark some speck or derivative of love but mean nothing more or less than pussy.

Sorry if that was to honest, hit the ‘X’ at the top right of your screen. With no thoughts I would be where I am now, feel how I do now, I’m unsure of what the future may bring other than a possibly cold black heart until it’s thawed by my forever, and until I find my forever…I should hold on to everything.

I have dreams of being madly in love and starting my forevers with the love of my life that defines everything I’ve ever wanted… but I’m still young, 21 young to be exact, so I guess I have my whole life for that..

In the mean time, it’s as if to save feelings so one from the opposite sex can be anything more than a friend for fear or ruining the friendship that came first..

excuse my scrambled thoughts… I doubt I’ll reread this before I post it so I can keep what was on my mind in the purest form..

I must be growing stronger because I haven’t cried, but I fear it’s because I’m growing colder. I understand why people fear relationships, because when they end, it’s the end of whatever you tried to build together…. end of feelings… The beginning of pretending you don’t care, that they don’t exist…

Sometimes I wish I could back track and rethink, rewind time and redo…

but it’s too late for all that now.

With bad habits being revived, so much anxiety the only thing that calms me and whispers sweet nothings. Cleverly used green plants bring me peace. 

Peace to all the negativity.

I don’t need even a piece unworthy energy.

While I’m at it I might as well stop living in distant memories, and make those dreams reality while I live in the moment…

Trappin to this shit all summer <3

No New Friends ft. Drake, Rick Ross, & Lil Wayne

HAHAHA i loves him <3

I figure I’ll force a few words out here because maybe I’ll get a little more off my chest and won’t feel as if the walls around me are closing in… where to begin….

I’ve been living in la la land as my attempt to escape reality. For me, it provides as a coping method, because there things are perfect. There, I don’t have any worries. There… everything is peace and happiness. Perfection, and in reality that’s all I really want. My worries are like piles of dirt continuously swept under the rug in a clean house. You can continue to clean, and sweep all that dirt under that same rug, since you to busy to clean up the right way, and eventually that pile of dirt is going to get bigger, and bigger, and bigger until everyone begins to notice it…

I think I’m at that point. 

I would talk to someone, but i just just feel like anyone understands. My thought process, my logic,my life, is completely different from everyone else…

I feel as if my life is silent chaos.

I have no peace.

I just want someone i can cry, scream and yell to who will listen,

and not cock their head to the side, begin to frown, pity, and judge me….

I sound like such a selfish person… like I’m alone or like I don’t have good people in my life that care about me.

I act like I don’t have 3 people who are the closest to me, who are just a phone call away.. one of which I talk to everyday, who wouldn’t listen….

I do have those  people, and I appreciate them more than you know, but from my own pride, and not wanting to impede on their lives, I don’t say anything, 

I wish I didn’t have so many worries.

I wish their was a such thing as the perfect life and that I had obtained it.

but a wish is just a wish in the end..

I try and keep my struggles in my head so nobody can witness them.

I guess I vent though my writing so you can see within…

Keep a smile on my face even when my mind is at war,

with all these thoughts in my head, who could possibly enjoy them?

I don’t.

Even when comforted with

caring words

from honest friends

to vent to them,

I won’t.

I go back and forth in my head, left side cursing the right.

Back and forth in my head…. all I wanna do is whats right.

“Do what you feel! Say what you want.”

“No, do what the fuck you know is right.”

“How would you know right from wrong when you won’t even do right?! If you were on the outside looking in you already know what you would decide!”

“Yeah but see it’s different now, I’ve gotta keep up this tough exterior, for fear of being inferior to anyone like me in general. I’d rather pretend like things don’t bother me when they do. From fear of rejection, maybe I’ll let the silence ensue… Maybe I’m one of many, when I don’t want to be compared to any. Things that once made me feel special, make me feel ordinary. I just need a little extra so I can be extraordinary, is that so wrong? Wanting to live out a fairy tale but afraid it may take to long? Falling for the first thing foreign from what I was use to, who flawlessly completed a mental check list full of characteristics I had composed? We dove into untamed waters full of emotions and it’s my stupidity that the other person stopped swimming?! That I never had closure?! That I wasn’t sure when it was over?!…”

It’s like my feelings and my words against each other is  a gift and a curse….

I’m blessed with them both, but sometimes I don’t know which is worse.

Your selfish

Your never satisfied

Your selfish

Your deserve to be happy

You need to be selfish and worry about you more

But in reality I can’t.

How long do I have to keep silent and keep holding back?

Fuck you, FUCK you, fuck YOU….

only because in reality I still care about you.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t because at this point caring hasn’t seemed to get me much of anywhere with you…

I got what a prayed for, but next time maybe I’ll be more specific…

even after that is all said and done,

my thoughts are still at square one.